Sunday, March 8, 2009

Shedding shallow skin

It's been a TOUGH week. I've felt pressed on every side and I've felt my faith being shaken like never before. Its a strange feeling but one i'm grateful for.

Last night was the icing on the 'tough week' cake. I'd love to tell you all what went down but don't want to blast it all over blog world. (I'm slowly learning mom! :)) Suffice it to say that I felt completely ill equipped and definitely out of my element. I knew these kids had crappy lives and had felt pain i've never had to but what happened last night tipped the already overflowing glass and my emotions went crashing. I didn't know what to do and I went and talked to the director and supervisor that night, Carlo. I had a full-on 'ugly cry' and just broke. right. down. I felt the full weight of these kids misery and desperation and hurt and it was like i could feel my heart breaking apart. I told Carlo I didn't know how he did it. How day after day for the last however many years, he's been there for these kids. Counseling them, pouring love into them, being there for them....he must be so tired. And when i asked how he did it, he gave the best answer. "Amy, I don't do it. God does it through me. And ya- you're right. sometimes its brutal. Sometimes it really sucks. but you and i both know how worth it it is. And you are equipped. This is when the Holy Spirit moves through us and in us. This is when we give up and give in." 
It's hard to put into words the feeling I get with that place. I feel like I went to Uganda to see and taste and feel 'real' poverty- like there wasn't any here. It seems like the Lord led me to Uganda and through that- He's shown me that the same poverty that happens over there, happens right here. On the very same street that I live on. Desperation knows no border, no age, no race, no sex, no tax bracket. But oh the joy to serve the desperate! Oh the joy to see Jesus in these kids faces. These kids in gangs with their 'colors' hanging out, silently yelling other kids that they belong somewhere. with some people. The scars on the arms of kids where the a razor blade is preferable to reality. The tough exterior hiding a crushed spirit inside. This is the lost. This is the poor, the poor in spirit. 
Oh Lord, that you would use me!

I  got home at 2:30am and crashed, totally drained. Then this morning, I got up and picked up a 'bridge kid' and her older sister and brought them to church. And you know what? THAT makes it worth it. 
I never used to be a 'deep feeler'. Sure, i love africa a whole whole lot but something in my heart changed while i was in Uganda and its like God gave me this hypersensitivity to hurt. A blessing and a curse? yes. I LOVE this place. I love this place i'm at. I love that through this crap, through the trials, i'm being transformed. I don't know how that looks yet and i'm not exactly excited about the process but if I'm to serve my Lord, I want to be how he wants me to be. 
We pray every week at The Bridge that the kids will feel like its a safe place and I can't tell you the feeling I got when what happened last night happened, and a youth came and said she needed to talk because she felt safe there. Yes Lord. We are doing something right. 

I've been struggling with big questions this week and like always, my daily dose of Ravi Zacharias speaks to my life. I listen to Ravi before bed and the last 2 nights I've listened to 'Questions of a man in agony' about Job. And i realize i don't NEED these big questions answered, I'm content to serve the one who knows holds the answers. 

1 comment:

janet said...

Your words penetrate deep into my heart Sister. You have grown to become such a Warrior- defending your truths and standing up for what you know is right. I know the pain of being transformed and I hope and pray that God continues His works in you and that you obey Him. You have so much to give and such a powerful presence that its no wonder the kids at The Bridge pour their hearts out to you. You are a lovely girl and its a blessing to be able to read/hear your journey.
Love ya.