Monday, March 30, 2009

Love Break Me

----I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here but the comfort of you near is what i long for----

I've said this many times but I think i need to say it again. I love Peterborough. I love the people I have been introduced to, formed friendships with, the church i attend, the university I go to, the youth center i volunteer at.... everything really. 

Sometimes i feel overwhelmed at how God has so precisely taken care of every need in my life thus far. Its hard for me to feel worthy of that kind of care and I often focus on the lies Satan feeds me through my weaknesses that block the encouragement I so desperately need sometimes. 

I don't hear an audible voice from God. I don't see pictures or words in the clouds with answers to my questions. What I do hear are the words of wise friends that the Lord has strategically led me to. I see the lives of other Christians living out Christ's commands in their own lives and as I admire their commitment, I learn from their example. 

This morning I went to grab a coffee on my way to the library and my roommate Jenn and a youth pastor/awesome guy Jeff were having coffee. I sat down to talk to them and Jeff was telling us about everything he's been learning about prayer and a bunch of other stuff that struck my soul and the waterworks began. I know God is working in my life and i believe it, but these lies that i've believed for my whole life about not being good enough, not pretty enough, not being worthy enough, not being smart enough, just not being enough stick to my spirit and repel the truths of Christ. Jenn, Jeff and I are going to meet and be praying through things in my life and in my past that have lead me to believe in these lies and work through all this junk that I believe as truth.

Jenn and I went to The Bridge to chat with Brenda, the secretary and my 'peterborough mom'. Jenn left and as I was helping Brenda sort out the recycling we started talking about the past week and how it was really hard for me. Rarely have I had Christian friends who would just drop what their doing and suggest we go pray. Rarely have I been the type of Christian friend who would just drop what i'm doing and pray with a friend. Brenda and I prayed in the board room about things going on in my heart and she is just the most wonderful encouragement to me. 

I have always lived with this deep need to be perfect on the outside no matter the cost of the turmoil its caused me on the inside. I put outer beauty before inner beauty and lived for the acceptance and admiration of other people. I still do sometimes, and in a way I always will because i'm human, and i'm faulty and i'm a sinner. 

I see that God is working in me and I see the roadblocks in my life that prevent a full and total transformation. I long to rid myself of those but I don't know how. "Just pray and ask God to take it away". Easy to say but what about the mornings I wake up feeling no different? Talking no different, acting no different? "Just pray, God hears you". What about when I pray and pray and pray and feel like i'm talking to a brick wall? 

--- O love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in thee. I give thee back the life i owe, that in thine oceans depths its flow may richer fuller be---


janet said...

Have you heard the song 'enough' byt Barlow girl? I dont usually like their stuff but i LOVE this song. i break down everytime i hear it because i am reminded of how awesome He is.
put it on your ipod.
here are the words.

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more awesome than I know

You're my sacrifice of greatest price
Still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King You're everything
Still more awesome than I know

The Albertsons said...

And the irony is that...
you ARE beautiful. You are a beautiful girl. Yep, on the outside.
BUT. What I read here is the truest beauty of all... a girl realizing how loved and adored she is by the Father. And how her inner beauty shines through quite clearly to those around her, judging by what you write here and how you spend your time and live your life. You live for others, and you love them very well, it seems.
That is beautiful :).