Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The only way out.

I've been going strong for almost 10 months now. School is beating the life out of me and I'm desperate for a break. With 2 weeks till my exams start I'm beginning to fall apart. I'm over tired, way to stressed, overwhelmed and emotional beyond belief. Basically I'm a joy to be around right now.... wait. That should actually read "I'm annoying and miserable and snap at the drop of a hat." Ya- thats better. But don't worry. This post isn't a pity party. Its a swift kick in the pants for myself... which is exactly what I need.

I went to The Bridge to pick up the chapter that we're discussing from The Calvary Road today at this womens group I go to. The chapter is about revival in the home and as I read it after I had screamed into my pillow for a good while and cried and cried on the phone with my mom while desperately trying to finish a paper on cerebral vascular accidents (thrilling!) I thought there was nothing in it for me. Nope. Not one thing. In fact, I decided I was much too tired and much to upset to read my bible and journal like I normally do before sleep.

This morning I woke up early to catch the early bus to school. When i looked at my watch after a good while of waiting at the stop, it read 8:12am. Great. I got up early, got to the stop early, and still somehow missed the bus. So i waited till the 8:30 rolled around. In the meantime I took out the chapter and began reading it again.

"All the things that come between us and others, come between us and God and spoil our fellowship with Him, so that are hearts are not overflowing with the Divine Life."..... Dang. I guess what explains why I didn't want to pick up my bible because I was too angry at the guy I was writing this paper with.

"We think know best, we want our way and we nag or boss the other one; and nagging or bossing leads to the tendency to despise the other one." ...... Um... I guess thats why I was screaming at my computer. My way IS the best though... isn't it?!

"Now the question is, do i want new life, revival in my home? I have got to challenge my heart about this. Am i prepared to continue in this state or am I really hungry for new life, His life in my home?" .........For sure I do. I mean... thats what I've been saying this whole time. I guess i just haven't been acting like it.

"Again and again we will see places where we must yield up our rights, as Jesus yielded up His for us. We shall have to see that the thing in us that reacts so sharply to another's selfishness and pride, is simply our own selfishness and pride, which we are unwilling to sacrifice. " It was at this point in reading that I got it.

I am SO selfish. If something isn't done MY way, there is no way it could possibly be done right. This paper I had to write with another student for example... nothing was good enough. I got so so so worked up over a dumb paper that it actually ruined my night and my mom's because I was on the phone with her a good part of the evening (sorry ma!). My bad attitude and my impatience effected the quality of work I did and effected my partner's too. Who wants to work with someone who is unreasonable and bossy? Not me! But I defintely was that person last night.

"As we bow the neck at the Cross, His self-forgetful love for others, His longsuffering, and forbearance flow into our hearts. The precious Blood cleanses us from the unlove and illwill and the Holy Spirit fills us with the very nature of Jesus."

I wish there was a word that meant more than THANK YOU. Because if there was, thats what I'd be saying to the Lord right now. I'm a mess but I'm so thankful and grateful that the Lord I serve is a pro a cleaning up messes.... and making those messes into something beautiful. Now if you'll excuse me... I have some hardcore apologizing to do.

1 comment:

janet said...

dont worry. in a couple short little tiny weeks i will be there to help you relax and have some fun.
and we are going to have sooooo much fun. just think. this is the first time in 5 years where we can hang out without having to buckle up a carseat or wipe up baby puke!!!