Beauty

Therefore since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet he did not sin. Let us approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  - Hebrews 4: 14-16

This morning a good friend of ours and a local pastor came over with a guy who had been away at this christian rehab center for a year. We sat down with tea and we had the best conversation about God, life, ministry, redemption and grace. This guy S told me and Jenn all about his life and how his addiction stemmed from lies that had been placed in him at an early age and how it all grew out of his feelings of being a 'mistake', unloved, and useless. He began using hard drugs, prescription meds and abusing alcohol...living out of these lies he was told and the lies he believed about who he was, what his purpose was, and who God was. 

As Christ began to move in his life he met our friend and the pastor guy J. Through relationship with J, S received Christ and tried to live a 'christian' life for a while but eventually turned back to what he knew. J and a few other people from the church confronted him and told him he needed help and so S went away for a year to this rehab place. In a year he has worked through the lies that were planted in his heart and he said that it wasn't the addiction the counsellors tried to fix or reverse. It was the lies that were in S's heart that they worked on and they worked on S learning who God is, and who S is in Christ and what living out of that relationship really looks like. 

S said something really interesting. When we turn to Christ we're not patched up, we're born again. I've heard that a million times but it really struck me in that moment. I'm not a drug addict, or an alcoholic but I'm a sinner and there are definitely areas in my life where I constantly fail, I constantly turn away from Christ. I turn from who I am in Christ, and the purpose I have in Him, and live out of lies in my heart. My intense need for controlling my life to the n'th degree is a perfect example. I am lost when I'm not in control. That is so contrary to what it should be. I should be feeling secure when I'm not in control. I feel like Paul in Galatians... a person ruled by rules. Trying desperately to please God with his actions, being in control and only being freed and truly living when he let go of that need for control, a desire to please, and simply live in His identity in Christ. 

S said he often thought of the song "i will never be the same again." I remember being here.....

.... sitting on top of Land Rover with my awesome friends on safari in Uganda. I remember watching this storm brew over the Nile and I remember singing that song in my head and knowing it was so true. I will never be the same again. 

I feel so blessed to be in this city, surrounded by these people, living out of my identity in Christ. I'm in a constant battle for control and making that desire and though obedient to Christ. "Take every though captive." Written on my mirror is Ephesians 2:10- "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God has prepared in advance for us to do." 

As J and S got ready to leave out house, we sat and took time to pray together. It is so beautiful to have prayer be such an easy, familiar, normal part in relationships. I've had a hard, long, overwhelming week- burdened with school, dealing with death as a nursing student, learning to create emotional boundaries so i'm not a mess of a nurse, relationships with friends- and its wonderful to know that I have these people and many others who care for me, who pray for me, who pray with me. 

As I grow and mature, my relationship with Christ and my faith in the Lord grow and mature and deepen and my life is so much more full and rich. And as I stumble and fall on this journey- I am comforted to know that I can approach my high priest, knowing full well that I will receive mercy and grace in my time of need. There's this song by Sara Groves called Less like Scars and I think it suits my life right now perfectly.

It's been a hard year 
But I'm climbing out of the rubble 
These lessons are hard 
Healing changes are subtle 
But every day it's 
Less like tearing, more like building 
Less like captive, more like willing 
Less like breakdown, more like surrender 
Less like haunting, more like remember 
And I feel you here 
And you're picking up the pieces 
Forever faithful 
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation 
But you are able 
And in your hands the pain and hurt 
Look less like scars and more like 
Character