Wednesday, October 8, 2008

An overdue breakdown.

I write in a journal for Sophie sometimes. It helps me to get my feelings down on paper and to write through what i'm feeling. Yesterday my roommate and awesome pal bea, got an apology she'd be waiting and wanting to hear for a long time and after hearing and seeing how happy she was, i just broke down.

We were both sitting on the couch and she was emailing and iw as reading my bible and writing in my journal (s) and i was just so happy for her but as soon as that happy feeling came, i got extrememly sad and burst out sobbing for sophie.


May 28,2008
Do you know how long i've loved you? Since september 9th, 2006. 605 days. I was terrified and overwhelmed and you made it worse because in the moment when i looked in your eyes, you stole me. Its been 605 days and with every day that passes i think about you.......

How do i explain you? Do i tell people that yes, i do have a daughter. She is 4 with the biggest brown eyes and a deep laugh. She loves clothes and greasy chicken and doesn't really like tv. She doesn't look like me but she sure acts like me. Do i tell people, No i don't have a daughter. I"m 23, a stduent, with debt and i'm being rational? That i need more education, more money, more time befor eyou are mine? Maybe you are only supposed to be mine for those 10 months.....


Inside your body i imagine a struggle. Outside you are calm. You are quiet. Inside you are loud and messy and sore. OUtside you are simple. Inside my body is simple and clean and quiet. I would trade you........

I imagine for you a lot. Many times i dream for you. i don't want a white life for you. You are African and Uganda and i want you to grow up eating matoke and fetching water and taking tea. You will have few clothes and few shoes but you will have enough. You will have a simple life and you will be happy. You will grow up knowing your neighbors. You will know your pastor and he will rebuke you when you do wrong. YOu will have many to teach you and much to learn.....

I told God i wouldn't leave you. He said he wouldn't either. He said suubi. He said hope. for you. for me.

5 comments:

The Albertsons said...

Such beautiful thoughts... praying for your sweet heart...
becca

mom said...

I love you Amy, all 8179 days of you. The song going through my head right now ends with "Jesus is the Lord of the way I feel." Protect my girlies Lord; Amy, Sophie, Janet, Ava.

Rachel and Arielle said...

Oh Amy...you have such a tender heart for your Sophie. I read your words, and they also came from my heart for my Katie. We need to move to some foreign land together and adopt our HIV baby girls and just be the four village weirdos who laugh and eat U & Me's all the time. Arielle can come too and she'll bring some other great orphan. And Feffany too.
I'm loving your stories of life as a nursing student. your friends sound awesome and you sound like you're in the right place. God bless you auntie emi.
N'kwag.com!

dr.soxx said...

Sophia is being adopted by Lois and her husband Godfrey. I wasnt sure you knew that.

auntie katie said...

yea. just cried a lot.

love you sister