If to distant lands I scatter
If I sail to farthest seas
Would you find and firm and gather 'til I only dwell in Thee?
If I flee from greenest pastures
Would you leave to look for me?
Forfeit glory to come after
'Til I only dwell in Thee
If my heart has one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This my solitary vision 'til I only dwell in Thee
That I only dwell in Thee
'Til I only dwell in Thee
brooke fraser.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
different, but the same.
I love the Bridge. I love being a part of it. I love spending my weekend nights there. I love the friendships i'm making. I love the kids i'm meeting. And i especially love it because in a sense, these messed up youth are exactly like my african orphans.
When i came back to Canada i had this complex like somehow every issue in the world paled in comparison to Africa and that NO ONE in the WORLD could understand me, what i saw, what i did etc.
Then as we are praying in debrief tonight, i was struck by this realization.
These youth and my orphans are different, but exactly the same.
Although the youth i'm friends with may not live in institutions, their hearts do. They are desperate and alone and lonely and unloved. And as such, they don't know HOW to love. So we are there to love them, to teach them boundaries, to guide them, to laugh with them, to cry with them, and sometimes just to BE with them.
My heart broke tonight. I thought my heart only broke for african orphans. But what i realize right now is that my heart breaks for orphans in general. These kids that come to The Bridge may not be true orphans, but they are in such desperate dire situations that they may as well be. And maybe that's almost worse, because at least being an orphan affords you the option of being rescued.
I did a silly thing a while ago. I prayed "Lord break my heart with the things that break your heart"...and what do you know, he's come through.
Lord- take these kids. take their families and their situations and hold them. comfort them like only you can. show these kids that their worth doesn't come from relationships on earth or any external force but only from YOU. give us volunteers the wisdom and courage to pour into these kids lives. Give us your love. We need you Lord. Oh how we need you.
When i came back to Canada i had this complex like somehow every issue in the world paled in comparison to Africa and that NO ONE in the WORLD could understand me, what i saw, what i did etc.
Then as we are praying in debrief tonight, i was struck by this realization.
These youth and my orphans are different, but exactly the same.
Although the youth i'm friends with may not live in institutions, their hearts do. They are desperate and alone and lonely and unloved. And as such, they don't know HOW to love. So we are there to love them, to teach them boundaries, to guide them, to laugh with them, to cry with them, and sometimes just to BE with them.
My heart broke tonight. I thought my heart only broke for african orphans. But what i realize right now is that my heart breaks for orphans in general. These kids that come to The Bridge may not be true orphans, but they are in such desperate dire situations that they may as well be. And maybe that's almost worse, because at least being an orphan affords you the option of being rescued.
I did a silly thing a while ago. I prayed "Lord break my heart with the things that break your heart"...and what do you know, he's come through.
Lord- take these kids. take their families and their situations and hold them. comfort them like only you can. show these kids that their worth doesn't come from relationships on earth or any external force but only from YOU. give us volunteers the wisdom and courage to pour into these kids lives. Give us your love. We need you Lord. Oh how we need you.
Can they see him in you?
I’m sitting outside. The coldness from the sidewalk quickly creeps into my jeans and sets up house under my skin. I rub my hands together and blow air from my lungs between my palms, but even the air fro m my insides is just as cold as the air from my outsides.
The coffee cup that sits in front of me mocks me. Its purpose is to hold heat and give heat, yet it is empty, save for a few coins.
I look across the street to a beautiful old church. It is lit from the inside and its warmth radiates through the old stone that it scares away the frost that is covering most things around it. I can see people coming in and out. It is Sunday morning and sometimes, if I’m up to it, I’ll sit near the church and watch.
Families get out of their sleek cars in their Sunday best. Mothers hold the hands of their children as they cross the street from the parking lot to the church. They walk the steps directly in front of me. Yet they do not see me.
Today is not the day for helping the poor. Today is the day to worship the Lord. A little boy is hurrying to keep up with his mother and father, rushing so as not to be late. He is curious about me and my coffee cup. He slows as he nears me and intuitively, his mother turns around and yanks him away from me. She whispers in his ear as they continue on and the boy looks back and catches my eye.
I lean against the building I’m sitting by and try to rest my mind. It is full and always working. Sleep is hard to catch because my body is constantly cold. Sometimes i dream that my sleeping bag has a heater and i can actually feel warmth creeping into my worn tennis shoes.
The service is over and as people file out of the church. They are laughing and happy and talking about a great sermon. “Pastor really out did himself today” they say. I hear that often and i wonder if people really mean it or if they are just being kind.
As they cross the street, i am in their way. I am between the church and their cars and I can see the gears in their heads turning, looking for alternate routes around me. Some take the long way around, some try not to look down at me as they pass, some just wouldn’t even see me if they looked me dead in the eyes.
I see a man walking by me. I recognize him. He stopped to talk to me once when I was sitting in a bus shelter. He told me about a man named Jesus. He told me that his man came to save my soul. To love my unconditionally. And that the people coming out of the church in front me are his people.
But i wonder.....If these people are his, and if this man Jesus, really loves unconditionally like i was told, why don’t they see me.
I can see Jesus around them. The sad thing is that I don’t see Jesus IN them.
The coffee cup that sits in front of me mocks me. Its purpose is to hold heat and give heat, yet it is empty, save for a few coins.
I look across the street to a beautiful old church. It is lit from the inside and its warmth radiates through the old stone that it scares away the frost that is covering most things around it. I can see people coming in and out. It is Sunday morning and sometimes, if I’m up to it, I’ll sit near the church and watch.
Families get out of their sleek cars in their Sunday best. Mothers hold the hands of their children as they cross the street from the parking lot to the church. They walk the steps directly in front of me. Yet they do not see me.
Today is not the day for helping the poor. Today is the day to worship the Lord. A little boy is hurrying to keep up with his mother and father, rushing so as not to be late. He is curious about me and my coffee cup. He slows as he nears me and intuitively, his mother turns around and yanks him away from me. She whispers in his ear as they continue on and the boy looks back and catches my eye.
I lean against the building I’m sitting by and try to rest my mind. It is full and always working. Sleep is hard to catch because my body is constantly cold. Sometimes i dream that my sleeping bag has a heater and i can actually feel warmth creeping into my worn tennis shoes.
The service is over and as people file out of the church. They are laughing and happy and talking about a great sermon. “Pastor really out did himself today” they say. I hear that often and i wonder if people really mean it or if they are just being kind.
As they cross the street, i am in their way. I am between the church and their cars and I can see the gears in their heads turning, looking for alternate routes around me. Some take the long way around, some try not to look down at me as they pass, some just wouldn’t even see me if they looked me dead in the eyes.
I see a man walking by me. I recognize him. He stopped to talk to me once when I was sitting in a bus shelter. He told me about a man named Jesus. He told me that his man came to save my soul. To love my unconditionally. And that the people coming out of the church in front me are his people.
But i wonder.....If these people are his, and if this man Jesus, really loves unconditionally like i was told, why don’t they see me.
I can see Jesus around them. The sad thing is that I don’t see Jesus IN them.
Monday, October 20, 2008
shadowfeet
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
- brooke fraser, shadowfeet
Care, www.twietconfetti.blogspot.com, has been posting about a little boy, Z. Sometimes my heart is so heavy its hard to put one foot in front of the other. But then i think of when Jesus tells us to cast our cares upon him.
This Saturday was my first real night as "staff" at The Bridge. It was awesome. I was so pumped to go and really looking forward to it. I prayed before hand for the kids that i would be meeting. This one youth R and I had a great talk. He's this incredible grafitti artist and brought this book out with all his drawings and art work and i was floored. Then i thought about the potential this guy has for greatness. He told me about his life and his girlfriend and his dreams for his future.
During debrief after we closed up, we talk about what happened during the night and good talks we had and prayer requests for kids and stuff like that. I talked about R and our talk and his artbook and stuff. Then everyone told me how that was amazing because he rarely does that. He has this one guy he talks to at The Bridge and thats it really. And i thought how cool it was that God would use me, this girl who has had about the most opposite life experience possible as this kid, to pour into this guys life. We spent a long time in prayer for the center and the kids and while i was praying i was overcome with this sense of gratitude like i've never felt before. It's actually mind boggling to me how my year has been so far. So easy the transition from home to away from home has been. How incredible my roommates are. And now this youth center.
I would NEVER have actively sought something like the bridge to volunteer at when i was at home.
I love how i'm changing. I love how i'm growing.
I love how its all God and none of me.
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
- brooke fraser, shadowfeet
Care, www.twietconfetti.blogspot.com, has been posting about a little boy, Z. Sometimes my heart is so heavy its hard to put one foot in front of the other. But then i think of when Jesus tells us to cast our cares upon him.
This Saturday was my first real night as "staff" at The Bridge. It was awesome. I was so pumped to go and really looking forward to it. I prayed before hand for the kids that i would be meeting. This one youth R and I had a great talk. He's this incredible grafitti artist and brought this book out with all his drawings and art work and i was floored. Then i thought about the potential this guy has for greatness. He told me about his life and his girlfriend and his dreams for his future.
During debrief after we closed up, we talk about what happened during the night and good talks we had and prayer requests for kids and stuff like that. I talked about R and our talk and his artbook and stuff. Then everyone told me how that was amazing because he rarely does that. He has this one guy he talks to at The Bridge and thats it really. And i thought how cool it was that God would use me, this girl who has had about the most opposite life experience possible as this kid, to pour into this guys life. We spent a long time in prayer for the center and the kids and while i was praying i was overcome with this sense of gratitude like i've never felt before. It's actually mind boggling to me how my year has been so far. So easy the transition from home to away from home has been. How incredible my roommates are. And now this youth center.
I would NEVER have actively sought something like the bridge to volunteer at when i was at home.
I love how i'm changing. I love how i'm growing.
I love how its all God and none of me.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A love that just be.
This note came to me via my bestie cousin Mollie. She is friends with this guy (yes a GUY wrote this beauty) Josh Z and on his facebook was the note below that he wrote. So i emailed him randomly and asked if i could put it on my blog because i think its AWESOME! So here it is! For your viewing pleasure!
I want a love that can just be. A love that doesn't need to be anywhere else, that doesn't need to be entertained. A contented love. My heart is saddened by the many hearts I meet that are still chasing, never longing for rest, for slow love. If the lights and addictions please you so... my simple, deep longings will never do. Continue on your journey into the lustful night; I will continue on my slow walk with the ever-burning sunset in my eyes.
Let us glory in beauty, not in selfish desire! Let us revel in this light, not in what we have to keep hidden! What Life there is when two become One; when the simple and the Divine become One. Can you see all the beauty that I see everyday, or are you blind like all the others! What glories there are far from the parties and egos; my happiness is not dependent on a crowd of pride and lust. Why are so many so content with what never satisfies? Why do you fill your life with the shallow, the superficial, the mundane? Is this all just a daily sedative, a daily drag to fill the nodes of happiness, contentment, and belonging? Have your fill, everyone drink in deep! Dear, I am sorry I am not filled by all of this, I am sorry that I am cynical of all that tranquilizes so many. I am not like all the others, or I don't want to be. I can't turn a blind eye at what I see. I will walk alone before I live a lie; I can't live in opposition to what I know brings true Joy, Life, and Love. Will you discern these words? Will you wait for love in time?
You are so impatient; bound by fear, young girls. You will never be happy. Only in the slow, the soft, the sound, the spiritual will you, will we find solace. In this we will find peaceful sleep and joy. Yet, in all your yearning you will give yourself away without ever living or truly loving. All you are feeling is to get what you think you want. Do you really want to put out all your chips so quickly? Are you so sure you'll find what you are looking for here?
Real love is not simple. Surely, your love is nothing more than emotion and sex; but you won't realize it or you won't care. You'll go on, blind to the fact that nothing can compare to Love. All the vices and compromises can't fill your heart, not even the ring on your finger.
I am content in all of this. I have no need to chase down what doesn't want to be caught. The restless have no desire for rest. I have no desire to watch my heart die, to yearn for what will bring more pain. Your joys bring me sorrow, and everything I hope for will only weigh you down. I am alone in Love, but that Love will grow when you see it with your spirit. Entering in, leaving behind the grey world, the Sun will flood in such glorious, warm light. Let this world and it's empty desires be a fading memory in the presence of the Life we are in.
"She was made for him, and him for her..." A resonating love that builds in time; let our hearts be something that is welded by a Love that is beyond this world not bearing on all the nature of fickle, broken man. Do you know what depth Love can take?
I want a love that can just be. A love that doesn't need to be anywhere else, that doesn't need to be entertained. A contented love. My heart is saddened by the many hearts I meet that are still chasing, never longing for rest, for slow love. If the lights and addictions please you so... my simple, deep longings will never do. Continue on your journey into the lustful night; I will continue on my slow walk with the ever-burning sunset in my eyes.
Let us glory in beauty, not in selfish desire! Let us revel in this light, not in what we have to keep hidden! What Life there is when two become One; when the simple and the Divine become One. Can you see all the beauty that I see everyday, or are you blind like all the others! What glories there are far from the parties and egos; my happiness is not dependent on a crowd of pride and lust. Why are so many so content with what never satisfies? Why do you fill your life with the shallow, the superficial, the mundane? Is this all just a daily sedative, a daily drag to fill the nodes of happiness, contentment, and belonging? Have your fill, everyone drink in deep! Dear, I am sorry I am not filled by all of this, I am sorry that I am cynical of all that tranquilizes so many. I am not like all the others, or I don't want to be. I can't turn a blind eye at what I see. I will walk alone before I live a lie; I can't live in opposition to what I know brings true Joy, Life, and Love. Will you discern these words? Will you wait for love in time?
You are so impatient; bound by fear, young girls. You will never be happy. Only in the slow, the soft, the sound, the spiritual will you, will we find solace. In this we will find peaceful sleep and joy. Yet, in all your yearning you will give yourself away without ever living or truly loving. All you are feeling is to get what you think you want. Do you really want to put out all your chips so quickly? Are you so sure you'll find what you are looking for here?
Real love is not simple. Surely, your love is nothing more than emotion and sex; but you won't realize it or you won't care. You'll go on, blind to the fact that nothing can compare to Love. All the vices and compromises can't fill your heart, not even the ring on your finger.
I am content in all of this. I have no need to chase down what doesn't want to be caught. The restless have no desire for rest. I have no desire to watch my heart die, to yearn for what will bring more pain. Your joys bring me sorrow, and everything I hope for will only weigh you down. I am alone in Love, but that Love will grow when you see it with your spirit. Entering in, leaving behind the grey world, the Sun will flood in such glorious, warm light. Let this world and it's empty desires be a fading memory in the presence of the Life we are in.
"She was made for him, and him for her..." A resonating love that builds in time; let our hearts be something that is welded by a Love that is beyond this world not bearing on all the nature of fickle, broken man. Do you know what depth Love can take?
a note for my nana, a note for my mom.
Dear Nana,
I love you. I admire you. You are never afraid to call me on things even when it might be ackward or you think i'll get offended or mad. I appreciate that. I hope you will always do that for me. I look at your life and how you raised my mom and my aunts and uncles and i'm so thankful that God gave me grandparents like you and Buppa.
At your house this weekend, I woke up early and as i was going past the downstairs door, i heard buppa praying. I stopped at put my ear to the door and listened to you guys praying. It made my heart so happy to know and realize what leaders i have in my family. It makes me so thankful to know that I have grandparents who love me so much. Much more than i'll ever know. It makes me want to live a good life. It makes me want to make you proud of me. You are an inspiriation to me nana. I want to be old and wise and kind like you. I want to sit at the breakfast table with my husband and pray for my family. I want to pray for my grandkids before they drive home like you and buppa. I want to care so much about my grandkids that I'd do anything for them. I want to know my bible inside and out like you do. I want to love my husband and be the best wife for him. I want to love Jesus as much as you do. I want my grandkids to love me as much as yours love you.
I love you nana!
Dear Momma Bear.
Today at my interview for the bridge I had to say who is the most influential person in my life. I said you. I told them how proud i was that you are my mom. How you live a life that makes people want to know whats different about you. How you sit at your desk at night and do you bible studies. How you desire to know more and how you desire for me to know more. How you've stuck by dad through thick and thin. How you fight for what is right. How you hate injustice. How you've taught me how to take correction. How you've taught me about unconditional love. How you've taught me to learn from my mistakes. How you've taught me to be kind. How you've given me a love for bible memory. How you've supported me and listened to me and prayed for me. How you let me talk about africa till i'm blue in the face. How you love sophie like i love sophie. How i could come to you with anything and you will love me and accept me. How you sit with me when i'm panicking and you are quiet and you pray for me. How you read books that important to me just because they are important to me.
I love you marmie!
I love you. I admire you. You are never afraid to call me on things even when it might be ackward or you think i'll get offended or mad. I appreciate that. I hope you will always do that for me. I look at your life and how you raised my mom and my aunts and uncles and i'm so thankful that God gave me grandparents like you and Buppa.
At your house this weekend, I woke up early and as i was going past the downstairs door, i heard buppa praying. I stopped at put my ear to the door and listened to you guys praying. It made my heart so happy to know and realize what leaders i have in my family. It makes me so thankful to know that I have grandparents who love me so much. Much more than i'll ever know. It makes me want to live a good life. It makes me want to make you proud of me. You are an inspiriation to me nana. I want to be old and wise and kind like you. I want to sit at the breakfast table with my husband and pray for my family. I want to pray for my grandkids before they drive home like you and buppa. I want to care so much about my grandkids that I'd do anything for them. I want to know my bible inside and out like you do. I want to love my husband and be the best wife for him. I want to love Jesus as much as you do. I want my grandkids to love me as much as yours love you.
I love you nana!
Dear Momma Bear.
Today at my interview for the bridge I had to say who is the most influential person in my life. I said you. I told them how proud i was that you are my mom. How you live a life that makes people want to know whats different about you. How you sit at your desk at night and do you bible studies. How you desire to know more and how you desire for me to know more. How you've stuck by dad through thick and thin. How you fight for what is right. How you hate injustice. How you've taught me how to take correction. How you've taught me about unconditional love. How you've taught me to learn from my mistakes. How you've taught me to be kind. How you've given me a love for bible memory. How you've supported me and listened to me and prayed for me. How you let me talk about africa till i'm blue in the face. How you love sophie like i love sophie. How i could come to you with anything and you will love me and accept me. How you sit with me when i'm panicking and you are quiet and you pray for me. How you read books that important to me just because they are important to me.
I love you marmie!
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